Leave a Comment about Santos’ 1st Sales Letter Here

Bonnie Gean says:

Hiya Marlon,

Was just wondering… were the winners announced yet because I didn't get the ezine. Not sure if it was lost in spam folder or what but I am curious as to who won a free copy of Push Button Channel for their input here?

Thanks in advance for your response.

All good things,

Bonnie Gean

[Comment from Marlon: Bonnie the winners were announced and I think posted on our blog. If you wanna know the exact winners you can post to Tim on our support desk at getyoursupport.com]

Fred Conquest says:

Marlon & Santos

Here's how to make the letter better.

1. Trash the pushbutton channel and website name in the header. Just have the text. You can tell them what it is in the letter.

2. Make this text which is in the first paragraph the secondary header:

Discover how you can broadcast ANY message ANYTIME, ANYPLACE with an internet connection.

3. In the first paragraph after friend, you need to create a WOW effect. Something like this: Dear Friend,

I have an idea I would like to share with you.

How would you like to create your own custom online television or cable like video channel or even your own cable like

online video system with multiple channels? And be able to do it fast and easy for very little cost?

Then you need to get the amazinng Pushbutton Channel software. But before I tell you how it works, you need to know WHY you should get this 'killer app'

program.

4. List the main reasons. Note the number one reason, should probably be that it will get you a high listing in Google for keywords associated with the channel – which means mega free traffic and all that that implies. Don't forget, fame and glory since everyone wants to be famous for at least 15 minutes.

5. Then tell the folks what they can do with a push button channel …

6. Tell people it easy to use … skip the expert wording. It's so simple to use even George Bush could use it … something like that.

7. Tell them what it costs and then what they get for their money. And put the money back guarantee in red right under the cost.

8. As for testimonials … skip it. Tell them it's just like 'You Tube' but much more focused and they don't have to be programming wizards to use it. Tell them Google paid a zillion dollars for 'You Tube' and if they develop their push button channel or channels, a big fish might do the same for them.

9. Tell them a few simple ways they can use push button channel to make some money. (Note: Have Marlon make some videos for his product and make them available to put on a push button channel.) Make sure one of them is to sign up as a Marlon affiliate and use a push button channel to sell a couple of

products and the program pays for itself

and more.

9. Tell them to buy, buy, buy. Restate what push button channels is, what it costs, what you can do with it and the guarantee.

Then tell them to buy again.

Money for nothing … but chicks aren't free anywhere.

Fred

Shane says:

Point 1

At the very beginning I would have said something like, “ Dear Friend… Imagine being able to stream live video, for free, in a way that is a revolutionary step beyond YOUTUBE and other streaming video services. Now, you can broadcast your message LIVE anytime, anyplace with an internet connection, and all within a very short set up time.”

Point 2

The third paragraph where he talks about the cons of having an Automated system answer you calls, I would change it to something like this.

“Don’t continue to make the mistakes other internet marketers are making. What mistakes? Having Robotic automated systems that answer their calls for them, a system that alienates and turns off customers, causing them to put up walls and be less inclined to buy from you again in the future.”

Point 3

Again the part where he talks about “You can use your live streaming video broadcast to..”

I would have turned that into a question so it would look like this.

“Wouldn’t you like to…”

1) Generate buzz about your upcoming product launch

2) Hold Booster meetings for your affiliates

Etc.

Point 4

Next the part he says, “Normally to get live streaming video, you would have to do the following…”

I would recommend to leave that whole part out.

Point 5

The next part I thought could use some changes is after he shows the first shots of how the streaming video looks, the part where he says, “if you ware thinking to yourself It can’t be that easy. I am afraid to tell you it is. I have figured out everything for you.”

I would rephrase it to something like, “It is that easy! Everything you need to know about how to produce professional quality live streaming video that can reach more than 500 people at a time, has been figured out for you.”

Point 6

And finally the part where he talks about that internet marketer using this product and having almost 600 people watching.

I would have talked more about this story. Why? Because I think it would be exciting to be able to connect with my customers live, fielding their questions, and getting them excited about my product launch. Getting them excited live like that with a whole bunch of them would create an environment where there is a feeding frenzy.

Not only that but I wanted to know how much money did he make just from that one product launch?

I would have said something like, “How much of a feeding frenzy do you think you could create if you were able to talk to 600 people, fielding their questions, dropping little hints, and exciting them about a product you are about to launch, at that moment, right in front of their eyes, LIVE!”

Now that is exciting!

Writing it in that way, I think allows the person reading the sales letter to imagine all sorts of “glorious, pleasurable possibilities” that could happen. It allows them to get themselves excited about the product.

Point 7

Couldn’t Find Guarantee!

Another important point I think that needs to be made is to make it easy to find the guarantee. I had to read the sales letter 3 times before I noticed that there was a guarantee.

Maybe a nice big picture that says, 100% guarantee, or whatever the guarantee is.

Overall

My first thoughts are that it was quite technical. And I think it could have used more excitement. I want to feel excited about what I am buying. I want to read a sales letter and have it excite me and have me imaging all the things I will get by buying this product. Basically, I want to see dollar signs dancing in my little head.

I also think that emphasizing the ‘ease of use’ more would have been a good idea. How is this going to make my business easier on me, and thus easier to make Money!

I also think emphasizing the customer relationship more would be good. Being able to build long term customer relationships.

Oh Yeah…. Have a nice product picture!

Veta says:

I read the letter and it talks about streaming video but no where in the letter is there any video. If he knows about video why isn't he using any?

He talks about using a webcam and doesn't give any other examples of what you might be able to use. Can a person use a flip cam or only a webcam?

Dean says:

Santos made the same mistake all computer geeks make. He wrote for another geek, not the "Newby Possible Customer".

There are those that "streaming Internet means NOTHING!"

A better headline could have been:

Let Your Customer See Eyeball to Eyeball

Nowhere is it acutally explained what

"Streamng" is. What is it about fishing for catfish???

First explain what it is…

Then explain the benefits….

Bill Gates became a billionaire not because he invented anything. He simply made it easy.

Millions of dollars of "Dummies" books have been sold because computer people do not have good writing skills.

P.S. Just for the record Santos, many people don't even know what YouTube is..

Keries says:

G'day Marlon & Santos

Great header but needs to be moved up a bit to frame the site.

Headline too long and doesn't really identify what problem you are trying to solve for me the customer.

Now I'm one of those baby boomers who wears glasses to read and your sales copy is way too wide and cramped for me to read effortlessly. That is I get tired moving my head and then lose my place on the next line.

Now as it's a video product why not demonstrate what it can do via video rather than all those lists. If you want to use list say something like 9 ways to use live video in the list headline – in other words quantify it.

Also demostrate via video how it works not just screen shots which I also find hard to read.

"For only $65.77 you can get instant access to

Push Button Channel, and if you grab your copy before Friday June 13, 2008, You Will Able To Join the Push Button Channel Quickstart Call."

Above is not a convincing call to action.

Get Instant Access to Push Channel for $ 65.77

Join before June 13,2008 for bonus Push Button Channel Quickstart call.

Put guarantee in some sort of guarantee graphic box to give more significance.

"Yes Marlon box" doesn't do anything for me as a potential buyer as it's a bit daggy and needs to stand out more.

So to me overall it is more like one of those boring manuals one gets with all the technical boring stuff that one only seems to have to wade through to solve a problem with the equipment. Not something that identifies my need or problem and tell me how buying this product is going to solve my problem.

Good luck with yo product Santos.

Keries

Don Morris says:

Carlos, the first thing I'd add to this sales letter would be whitespace:

– Break up the paragraphs a bit more — one or two sentences in most cases

– Make your wordy sentences shorter — short, pithy and to-the-point

– Create more space between bullet points, lists and paragraphs.

Even with great copy, the more readable you make your sales page the more quickly your points will be made. Since many of your readers are only going to scan the page, make it easier for them to pick out the highlights of the product.

(The last third of your sales page looks like you're getting the hang of this.)

Secondly, make your headlines more closely match the following text. The bolded text, larger than the rest, draws the prospect in, but most often there's no related explanation to nail down your point. Don't leave me hanging!

Thirdly, and related to the previous suggestion, tell me more about the Quickstart Call. What can I expect from that bonus?

Of course, pay attention to spelling and grammar — you don't want to have errors distracting from the sales copy!

Walt says:

Marlon-

I have bought many of your products so I have become accustomed to seeing a great amount of testimonials and some "live" demonstration of how it works. This page is way too "static" to invoke the emotions that will drive me to buy NOW.

The bulleted text is way too wordy, keep the bullets to one line and do intermittent bold to keep my attention and keep me reading.

I believe that the product is worth the price but I didn't get a feeling that I needed to take action now…ala your dashboard products.

The social proof i.e. what's in it for me was missing.

Also, if I'm live streaming video shy, it doesn't compel me to "give it a try anyway…it's really simple and I'll tke you step by step through the process".

Overall, the sales copy is so-so. If I didn't know you or the quality of your products (which I do), it would bea difficult sell.

Walt

Pat says:

Hi Marlon and Santos,

A great go at a first sales letter. It isn't easy to write flowing copy that leads a reader into the buying state. Can't say I'd buy from this letter and here are some of the reasons.

Header: too long, all bolded, nothing sttod out to catch my attention.

Subhead: definitely need one

Easy?? please tell my why

Copy: too much, paragraphs too long, need indented bullets (numbers left aligned just don't stand out)

Need bullets (not the funny symbols)pointing out the benefits

The copy doesn't really sing out – too many words and my eyes start skimming without taking in any of the content.

Get the feeling you are talking at me rather than to me. Need a more conversational tone. Try writing with an image of your ideal customer in mind and write as you would talk to him/her.

All in all, pretty good. Keep going.

Anita says:

Hi Marlon & Santos,

I have 3 points:

1. In the picture of "Need Proof" – there is a typo. "The Identity of this Internet Marketer has been Disguised for His Saftey" (Should be Safety!). Ha

2. I don't get the $price? What is with the cents?

3. I think a PS is missing! I look forward to reading a PS.

Thanks

YourBlogTeam says:

Hi Marlon and Santos,

Great job for a first-time letter! I wish my clients could jump out of the gate this quickly.

Here are just a few of my suggestions –

1. After the first quick read, I wasn't sure if I was getting a downloadable version of the videos, too, or just the live version. I'm sure you said that, but I missed it so you might want to make it more obvious.

2. "Recently, an internet marketer did a live video broadcast for his product launch." Was this using your product? If not, replace it with yours.

3. It would really enhance your letter to add some testimonials.

4. Don't forget the P.S. (second most read part of the sales letter, I've heard).

5. Keep your tenses consistent — this sentence and you/I mixed: "It’s just like when you call a 1-800 number, I immediately."

6. There are lots of "I"s in your sub-headlines. Do you want to change those to we or just reword?

7. Make the photos of how it works, clickable so we can see a larger image of how it works.

8. Break up the first paragraph/headline. Maybe with an additional color? I would like to see them centered, too.

9. Make the whole page narrower. I was having trouble reading across the lines with the smaller font.

10. Have someone proofread all the grammar and spelling for you (I'm sure you and Marlon left those in to see if we would catch them)! "Thats" should have an apostrophe. "Decide on your webcam, if you" is two sentences glued together. "Keeping your audience entertained" is a fragment. "much more better light" is a double adjective. "Im sorry" needs an apostrophe. "Go its it’s pretty" "If if within" "a booster meetings"— you get the idea.

11. Watch the shortened words. What are JV recips? Screencaps should be screen captures.

12. Instead of "is really stoked," maybe say "can't wait to get started" so it sounds less like a surfer guy?

13. Not sure I agree with this paragraph– Before streaming video, thats what your customers got. An impersonal representation of your business. Why impersonal? Because when you see a photograph, you know its composed in some way or another. A pre-recorded video… scripted. An mp3…. edited.

I would either take it out or move it down in the letter since it wasn't super compelling for me.

14. What about size of the files? Video can be huge and use a lot of bandwidth. Does your product address this?

15. What file is described below? Is this the main layout?

ATTENTION WEB DESIGN EXPERTS: If you already have experience in Adobe Photoshop or Dreamweaver, you can tweak the HTML file

16. You might also want to explain between the FREE part and the $65.77 part. "its a FREE service" (needs another apostophe by the way) but then at the end I have to pay?

Hope that helps — and you really did a nice job for your first attempt!

Best,

Julie

P.S. I'm just curious — did you use Push Button Sales Letters? I love how it leads me through the steps of a sales letter .

Diana L says:

1. Nice graphic.

2. Headline below graphic too text dense – need to change to grab scanning viewers’ attention

Show benefit /avoid pain. Answer their question, how’s this going to help me?

Need to Reach Customers on a More Personal Level?

Want to Jump Ahead of Your Competitors?

Then LIVE Streaming Videos on the Internet Is For You

Don’t Know How?

Push Button Channel Makes It Easy

3. Shorten your subheadings. Place the strongest part at beginning (English is scanned left to right) — usually a verb or adjective. “Internet” should always be capitalized.

Produce high quality live streaming Internet broadcasts with

Short lag time, great quality, and

Free service!

4. Start stronger on the next one, too.

Be the first in your market or niche to have live video broadcasts because not a lot of internet marketers are doing this… yet.

If wish to emphasize “need to be first,” then explain before why it’s so important to be first. Yes, should be obvious, but if the reader has to work too hard at thinking about what you’re meaning, they’ll either leave or lose your train of thought.

5. Visually separate list from it’s heading.

Perhaps simply indent numbered lines. Move wraparound lines to line up, not as shown below.

You can use your live streaming video broadcasts to:

1. Generate buzz about your upcoming product launch.

2. Hold a booster meetings for your affiliates.

3. Create a product about this niche and sell it to your list.

4. Do a live broadcast of your product launch.

5. Communicate with your high end buyers, keep them in the loop of your upcoming products.

6. Hold coaching sessions. Your customers can type in their questions in real-time chat.

7. Broadcast from seminars. Your customers love to know what you are up to.

8. Generate leads! Most internet users would rather watch a live video broadcast rather than read a blog.

9.Take care of your JV recips, do simultaneous shows and talk about each other’s product launch.

6. Re-arrange strongest to left

LIVE streaming video is the most effective way of reaching out to your customers on a more personal level.

This heading fits part of letter better. What is listed next is the problem with setting up one’s LIVE streaming video. Showing the steps involved is good to enhance what the problem is your product solves, but you need to change the subheading to reflect what is under it.

What’s Involved in Setting Up LIVE Streaming Video

7. I’d suggest changing the section to describing the barriers to setting up, such as the steps required.

Show need/advantages for streaming, remember to point out avoiding pain of being left behind in technological revolution, heighten awareness of problems most marketers face in setting up, and then show how your product solves those problems.

8. Copy (as written) seems stronger as progress. Good work on showing how it works. Nice graphics; like how used photo corners and drop shadow to make screen shots pop off page.

9. The beginning of your copy has an informal tone to it, so don’t switch to a more formal-sounding subheading in the middle. “I have employed” — sounds like Mr. Spock (Star Trek character) speaking.

My revolutionary push-button method makes creating your own custom video channels for your LIVE video broadcasts fast and easy.

10. Reword subheading for stronger impact.

Push Button Channel is designed for both beginners and experts.

11. Again, this copy gets stronger as talk about product itself. Bullets and bold on sub-subheading is good. Listings are short and easy to read.

12. Showing uses is good.

13. Showing uses outside of internet marketing is good.

14. Your method of disguising the other marketer’s identity is great. Love the humorous touch. Also peaks curiosity. (I think I know who it is.)

15. Emphasis quick action bonus portion by visually separating..

Get instant access to Push Button Channel for only $65. 77,

Plus, If you grab your copy before Friday June 13, 2008, You Will Able To Join the Push Button Channel Quickstart Call.

16. Decide how to format subheadings (all caps or not) and be consistent. Wrote previous subheading both ways within same section.

17. Suggest extension of guarantee should be stronger visually. Make it as strong as previous bonus portion.

Summary:

Content is overall good. Graphics are good. Describing the product is the strongest section. Beginning layout is visually dense in text. Connecting reader to why this should interest them is perhaps the weakest content section. Could make copy stronger with heading changes (shorten, put emphasis at beginning &/or end of heading lines).

Note:

I’ve reviewed this quickly, but then it’s first impressions quickly made (whether perception is deserved or not) by the readers that counts. Nor have I spent much time on suggested changes in subheadings. The examples are simply examples to illustrate my point of what type of change is needed.

I was already thinking of what would be needed to add video streaming to my site. And the barriers were enough for me to not check very far into it. I would love to receive a copy of this product. Affiliate options open, too?

Diana LaRue

Organic Home Learning

(having website revamped, so not including url at moment. Opportunity missed!!)

Alice says:

P.S.

I did have one thought to improve the letter and bring clarity. Change the header graphic from a microphone to a spotlight or camera.

"On Air," with a microphone give the impression that you are promoting an

audio product.

Marian turgeon says:

What a wonderful product with a ton of potential. And a good first attempt on the sales letter. The important things is you sold me…but I really had to read the sales letter all the way through. Usually I am sold…or not…after reading the headline and opening paragraph, then scanning the balance of the page and checking the order button and terms.

The big stumbling block for me was the confusion between the free live streaming video, and the product actually being offered. The product and what it can do for me, my business or even my family, should be the very first thing I hear about.

Hear about, and see demonstrated with at least a pushbutton channel broadcast on loop going. That would help immensely.

The mention of a quickstart button is very vague. What are you talking about?

There is some serious need for editing. As a book publisher and editor myself, I'd be very happy to do a quick edit just to fix the "oh so annoying to some people" problems with sentence structure that I noticed in nearly every paragraph. I offer sincerely, gratis, no strings!

Good luck. My customers, and my grandkids, will be looking for me to add this marvelous capability to our communications.

Smiles,

Marian

Donna Maher says:

The headline could be in color #0000CC and larger than it is now for more emphasis… and center it.

A sub-headline would help, as well – you only have 3 – 8 seconds to grab your reader. 🙂

Shorten paragraphs and add a little bolding of certain words for more emphasis. White space is always necessary for easier reading.

Put his live streaming list in blockquotes with bullet graphics and space between the bullets (as well as bolding every other line or certain words for emphasis). Could also add a dotted line box around this.

Same with the 'do the following' list.

Could add more pizazz to the Push Button Channel comes with: list as well (a dotted box, bolding, etc)

Where the longer list is… add checkbox graphic & bolding to it – name of section in ( ) (Here’s what you can do with your very own custom live streaming video channel).

Bold every other sentence in the Yes Marlon box & have a more attractive buy button.

Donna Maher
http://bizunlim.com

Tidders says:

Copywriting is a skilled job, he shows promise but it needs work.

The haeadline is poor.

I would suggest that he consider who he is selling to and what it will do for them in terms of "benefits". Too much text is taken up expaining streaming video etc when internet marketers are fully aware of what that is.

We need to know quickly that this is revolutionary and will increase sales for us, make us money etc

So what makes this better than anything else eg sticking up a camtasia video on youtube and get to that quickly.

Hope this helps.

Dan Martin says:

You're not Marlon. From the get go it's obvious. Introduce yourself and tell me WHY it's you and NOT Marlon.

Copy's too busy and no hook. Without Marlon's intro I wouldn't have read it beyond the first few lines.

FREE… yeah right!

You would have hooked me several paragraphs in, IF I were interested. I'd put a "I'm convinced" buy button somewhere near the top. I'd want to cut through and find out HOW MUCH?

If you're pushing video… Why aren't you using video?

Too long, too boring, too bland.

I don't want people talking to me when they're eating breakfast. If your communication is important enough to do, it's important enough to do correctly.

You didn't enroll me into your pitch. Sorry.

Dan

Steve Lanning says:

Good job, Santos! I believe you and I are one the same level right now. Although back in the 1970s and 80's I raised a family of five with my 'sizzling' copy (before I sold my Consultants National Resource Center to my good friend Lew Williams in Texas–he knows Marlon I believe), I find it very difficult these days to explain concepts–especially my own! One really gets 'out of shape' if you don't write copy regularly! So, for what it's worth from an Internet Klutz, Santos…

HEADLINE

Try to focus on ONE idea. Try to get a $ or money-equivelent "This single piece of software can bring XX to your customers–" Put Our Video Customer Relations Tool To Work So that your Customers Never Forget What you Are Doing For THem. (I like to put caps on each word–well, I used to anyway).

Test different fonts and sizes with that cap on first word.

Subhead? Is there a subhead that will focus your point more forcefully in stratching their itch?

Homework: I used to write 50-100 headlines–sometimes to 200+ before I ventured forth…and usually tested what I thought were the top three and the 'worst' two. (My ego was often surprised and deflated more than once!) What you have heard about headlines is very true. We used to change an ad's headline pulling 7/10th to 1.1 times ad cost to have it bring in 3.1-6.6+ times ad cost–and not change a single word of body copy–even though there were mistakes in the body copy! That's how important your headline is.

Center Heads–Lots of opintion about this one, but on top of Capitalizing each major word in a head in the body of the letter, I like to center it. And try to make the headline declare a benefit or a question.

Salutation: Name the people you are trying to reach, "Dear Frustrated Website Owner" Dear Online Marketer, etc.

Body Copy: I like margins–wide margins. I used to kid a now-famous (or infamous)book publisher who wanted me to publish his book, that he used every square inch on the page, that he squeezed margins just like they were pennies. Although his books were good in content, I only met one person in all the years I knew him (he asked, but I would never work with him)who actually read one of his works from cover to cover.

Body Copy: I like underlining the 'headline between thoughts' myself, Santos. It's a personal thing, but I try (make that tried as in old days!) to only go halfway across at the most on the paragraph/thought breaks.

I also like to indent paragraphs. It just breaks up the text so the eye can follow it easier.

Body Copy: Bullets instead of numbers for the first set. Gets too tiresome for the reader. And always INDENT the bullets (as Word already has default)

OFFER–Santos, because I know diddly squat about what you are offering, I'm just sticking to your copy instead of focusing in on strategic presentation and use of tactics therein!

Proofs and Testimonials–I like the way you have the proof items, Santos. And as this is your first draft, I'm sure you caught the instances were you promised "10" benefits and only numbered 7 and promised '4' benefits and I only saw one. (I might have missed the others, though.)

Signature block–Again, I like a person's real name. And the 'Sincerely' line should be 'yours for increased customer involvement' or 'yours for intiment customer relationships' etc.

You can use your first two names–as two of my acquaintences have–Remember 'Paul Revere and the Raiders? You were probably too young, but everyone who remembers Dick Clark and The American Bandstand remembers them. The band came from my neck of the woods in Boise, Idaho. Paul Revere Dick was his real name. He was a barber in Boise. Another was Ted Nicholas. Everyone knows the "How to Form Your Own Corporation Without a Lawyer for Under $50" book that was an ad in every airline magazine it seemed. I did some work with Ted for a few years and it was only after six months I noticed his staff calling him Nick. His was Ted Nicholas Petersen. So your first two names are fine.

Post Script–I ALWAYS had at least one PS, sometimes several, on every sales letter. I know it may be trite, but often the PS really IS the main thing folks read after reading your headline!

With a PS you need to re-state your main benefit, fear of loss or whatever itch the customer may have to scratch.

Whew! Well, that's all I have time for, Santos. I don't want to get TOO carried away! I really am NOT vying to win Marlon's contest, I just have some time and want to pitch in w/my 2 cents worth. The last time I wrote any serious copy was when I still owned the National Association of Business Coaches which I sold in 2002!

Say, as I am an Internet Klutz, there may something you or Marlong could help me with.

My website, http://www.TentmakersNetwork.org is a new ministry idea that a friend of mine, an industrial plumber yet, set up for me to build the Content as he sees the need to support Christians owning a business. I've got the site about half finished but my friend made it 'live' so that "I would not procrastinate" in getting it populated.

I would like to get some feedback on this site if you have the time!

Best regards,

Steve Lanning
http://www.TentmakersNetwork.org

Ksenija says:

It is a good letter but service does not

stand out.If I can make video for free, and I can.If I can distribute video for free,and I can (TubeMogul.com)why would I pay you to do that through your service.I think, this product is good but should have something more, …like SEO feature that shows you how to optimize your video or keywords.This is for total newbies online who don't know anything about marketing by using videos.I don't have a feeling that this service is exclusive in any way.Ask yourself, why would I buy this from you,what is special about it.Work on your title a bit.Red color is better for grabbing attention. I didn't have an the urge to buy it.Emotional one.

Good luck Santos

Bonnie Gean says:

Hi Marlon,

FIRST:

The headline doesn't specifically speak to me. What I mean by this is, one of the sentences says: "Internet users are now able to produce high quality live streaming Internet broadcasts."

If he wanted me to sit up and pay attention, he may want to say something like: "Now You Can Produce High Quality Streaming Broadcasts With Ease!"

I'd like to think the letter is being addressed to me personally and not an entire group of readers even though this is the case. I want him to make me feel as if he is personally talking to me.

— * —

SECONDLY:

Consider adding a highlighted introductory line, followed by a headline of a different color (AKA: red), and then a subtitle in black.

Similar to this:

Attention:

To Business Professionals Who Want To Start Their Own Live Streaming Broadcasts.

You're About To Learn The "Secrets" The Gurus Aren't Telling You About How To Produce *FREE* High Quality, Live Streaming Broadcasts, At The Push Of A Button!

"Give me a moment of your time and I'll share how simple it is to produce your own Internet Radio Show that captures tons of targeted listeners and turns them into raving fans!"

— * —

His subheading states: "You need to be the first in your market or niche to have live video broadcasts because not a lot of internet marketers are doing this… yet."

I would instead, call this (Secret #1: This Highly Effective, and Easy To Use Tool, Will Help You Crush The Competition!

Why?

Since my TOP headline hints at getting the "Secrets" I would then try to figure out a way to incorporate Secret #1, Secret #2, etc.. for all the titles introducing each section of the salesl etter.

Or maybe hint at the fact that the "Early Bird Gets the Worm!"

That's how I usually think. 🙂

His subheading: "The most effective way of reaching out to your customers on a more personal level is through LIVE streaming video."

Would attract me better if it said:

"Secret #3: Here's How To Make Tons of Business Friends Who Know, Like, and Trust You… All Within Your First Broadcast!"

FACT: sales are a given when the savvy entrepreneur aims at building relationships first. That's why a live Internet broadcast is your ticket to high profits…. etc 🙂

— * —

THIRD:

He is missing his credentials. In fact, he doesn't even explain whom he is or why he's qualified to sell this information. What makes HIM the expert?

Why should I listen to him over someone else that is offering the same type of training?

Does he have a proven track record? If so, what is it?

— * —

FOURTH:

What are the benefits of using his Pushbutton system over doing this by myself?

1. Will I immediately increase awareness for your products, programs, services and website?

2. Can I avoid wasting valuable time, money, and effort trying to figure out what works and what doesn't?

3. Does this allow me to educate my listeners with ease so I can become the source of information they rely on and respect?

Well… you get the picture. :O

I need to hear these things, if they're true. Hit it home with the benefits and deliver them earlier in the sales letter. Otherwise, I'll click away before I even get to them because the sales letter doesn't DRAW me in to read more. I want to know, What's in it for MOI?

— * —

FIFTH:

Text needs to be broken up by using different color subheadings. I'm half blind — seriously! I have a hard time reading the words if all the text is the same color. Stress the Secrets within the subheadings by using a different color (AKA: red).

— * —

SIXTH:

Summary of what I'll get with the package?

He says:

10 Full Instruction PDF’s. Push Button Channel also has comprehensive step-by-step instructions with screencaps, arrows, an in an easy to read layout: Here are some topics that these full instruction PDF’s reveal:

1. The Recorder Interface

2. Video Lighting Tips

3. How to start Your Broadcasts

4. Where to find your embed codes

5. Microphone Tips

6. Webcam Tips

7. How to integrate Twitter to your video channel

Could he expand on this by summarizing what each PDF will teach me?

Example:

1. The Recorder Interface

Become a quick study PRO with this guide. I'll reveal how to get the most from your broadcasting interface by tweaking it for optimal recordings.

2. Video Lighting Tips

This simple 1,2,3 blueprint reveals how to eliminate shadows and prevent CAM glare to produce high definition, studio-quality video.

and so on for the rest listed.

— * —

SEVENTH:

The subheading: "Here’s what you can do with your very own custom live streaming video channel."

These sound like benefits, which I would insert about the "Here's What You'll Get In This Package" part — so it's closer to the beginning of the sales letter (and after the credentials portion).

In fact, the subheading to introduce the benefit section could read: "How To Become a Niche Celebrity"

Explain what you're going to reveal to them that will make them be regarded as a Niche Celebrity by their listeners, and follow that up with the "Here's the benefits of using my system"…. followed by "Here's a summary of what you'll discover:

For Example:

How To Become a Niche Celebrity Using Live Streaming Broadcasts

I'm going to reveal my simple Push Button Channel secrets to you. They work like a charm, 7 days a week. They work for me and I know they will work for you.

It's not theory… this is the REAL deal. I'll give you everything you need to know, to make this system super simple for you to get started.

Here are the benefits of using my system:

1.

2.

3.

4.

Everything You Need – All In One Package!

Here's a summary of what you'll discover:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

I put all these secrets into my new product called:

The Push Button Channel… etc.

In Summary, here's what you'll receive:

(Then list each part in a box, with an image showing what it looks like.)

Follow this with the price of the package, the guarantee statement, and any bonuses to make the package more enticing before asking for the order.

— * —

REMOVE:

Normally, to get live streaming video; you would have to do the following:

1. sign-up with a live streaming video provider (preferably free).

2. Find a provider that has live chat.

3. Decide on your Webcam, if you have a Mac there’s already

Those are a lot of the same barriers

=> Get rid of this part… it isn't necessary to go into this much detail.. Just simply state: "I can guarantee if you can follow my easy directions, you'll have this system up and running LOTS faster than doing it on your own."

Or something similar… and I would state this immediately after you introduce the Push Button Channel and before the "In Summary, here's what you'll receive:" portion.

— * —

He has a great amount of good information in his sales letter… but with some section tweaks, removing bits here and there, and adding product images — it should be a great seller.

Good luck!

All good things,

Bonnie Gean

JK Swopes says:

The beginning is misleading, as it advertises this or a service as being free.

After that it leads immediately into selling me something. What am I buying? I thought the service was free? ( I know what the service is, but some may not, and this could turn them away)

Also, since it's a template, give us a live preview of a page made with the templates, maybe even a video of how easy it is to create a page using these templates.

Honestly, I think the sales page is too long for promoting a video service. Include some videos! At least one, and a live demo of the page.

You could then list the benefits and all the other stuff, but in my opinion there are too many words and not enough graphics or other elements to break it up.

David Brown says:

Well there are 2 different ways you can approach this I feel. But then again, I am in no way an expert. For the headline – What’s the benefit? If I never heard of this feature before, what’s the benefit to draw me to it to make me want to read and then purchase it? The Headline is not exciting enough. This is supposedly happening for the first time, right? Something like –

New Service Forces Your Prospects Into Revealing What They Really Want From You To Turn Them Into Eager Buyers…And Best Of All… IT’S FREE!

“What is this new free service?” you say? Well it’s called Live Video Broadcasting and it has even more impact producing results than mentioned earlier if you want the ultimate tool to connect with your audience on a more personal level.

That's my first approach. The second one would be…

Announcing…

The Ultimate FREE Tool To Connect With Your Audience For Greater Results!

You Are A Click Away From Producing Products & Services That Are Begged For…Creating A Frenzy For An Upcoming Launch… Holding Results Producing Meeting & Coaching Sessions…And Much, Much More!

This is just my view from a customer outlook to sell myself. Hope it helps.

art says:

The letter is very wordy..recommend a few more phases of editing..

the headline too long.

you may even change the url to

pushbuttonbroadcasting.com

pushbuttonwebbroadcasts.com

pushbuttonewebbroadcasting.com

the headline has too much grandiose verbiage..tone it down to reality..the "first time in history"..

add any testimonials

I would start with the headline. 4 bullets that are the MAIN reasons for using your solution followed by details of the 4 main reasons. People scan initially and if hooked in, read/scan the details

Phyllis Staff says:

Dear Santos,

I can tell you invested lots of thought and energy in your sales letter, but I'm sorry to tell you that I wouldn't have gotten past the headline because there's nothing there for me — no reason why I would want do create streaming internet broadcasts.

You need to answer the age-old questions, "What will this do for my bottom line?" Otherwise, the features you have included (great quality, free service, reduced lag time, easy template creation) have no meaning to me. So how will this service improve my customer response? I want proof, not just features. And proof to me is not some other marketer's response.

If this way of reaching customers is effective, then show me. What you've got in this sales letter will be of interest to me if and ONLY IF you've already grabbed me and said, "Here's a super easy way to improve your sales and grow your list."

Otherwise, I'm out of here.

Best wishes for a great sales letter!

Doug Nelson says:

First off Santos should read some of your Red Factor material, Marlon. Black on white, for the whole page is boring…needs some color and spark. Does not suit your name on the bottom. How about a big red button that states loudly "1st Time On The Net", or "Never Before Available"….instead of text

Who can do it? Internet users…YOU can do it!!!

How much is "not a lot"? Takes less than a split second lag to have the mouth move and then the sound come or vice-versa

The features in the headline should stand out more and not just be part of the text. It's way too long too….get to the point!

The numbered lists are not effective and do not 'entice' enough to read the whole thing….gets too blah, blah. The numbers are not visually pleasing either.

Now about the spelling/grammar…I know about 'writing as you talk' but there are some grammatical errors that are 'harsh' to the ear and mind (i.e. "in a more personal level" would sound better using "at" (at a more personal level ) or using "space" (in a more personal space ) or "in a more personal way"…take some more time to proof-read aloud, Santos

The lead-ins to the lists could be 'emphasized' for those of us that skim…sure we see the big black letters..well already mentioned that.

"You can use your live streaming video broadcasts to:"? How about "Here's What You Can Do With It" (different color perhaps)

Hey, a change in font might add some zest/life to this letter!

Hey Santos, Marlon is known for red so change the order button too.

Well that's all from me…

Doug

P.S. These are all just minor things Santos, it's actually pretty good for the 1st time and I see you undercut the price too; thanks for that!

Al Brockway says:

I just love ads that say 'free' and then want money at the bottom. I scanned down to the bottom and didn't bother with the bulk of the copy! Just hit delete! I realize this technique works. Just not for me. I might have been more intrigued with an offer thta promised "for less than you think", "at a price everyone can afford". Trite, but more honest. To consider a program or on-line purchase, most people need to trust the offer and the sender. A quick put-off kills that trust.

Kaye Fenley says:

I am an English teacher, not a copywriter. I studied copy writing to write my own letters

The first thing I would do is use bigger print and have more white space, so the reader's eyes don't get tired. Use different colors and fonts to make important points stand out.

Headline: "Communicate ON a more personal level"

Prar.2" "has personality and is someone"

Make this into 2 sentences.

"read your emails, buy your products and make you more money."

Para 3: you immediately get turned off

para 5: "only a few Internet marketers"

Para 6: USE BULLETS; "recips" do people know this term?

Para 10: "But, I have your solution"

Para.11: This sentence makes no sense. Write how you created software to help customer.

Screen captures are 1 papa.

Para 14.: "Everything … make this into 2 sentences.

10 Step-by-Step put all 10

10 "full instruction pdf's, use "comprehensive step-by-step" so it doesn't sound like a lot of reading.

I like the box instead of P.S. and P.P.S

Personally, I have a webcam. I have to stand right in front of it for anyone to see me. Are there better ones for more money that turn or have a wider angle? Do you recommend good, easy to use equipment in the pdf's?

Kai says:

My first comment is that its overhyped. It might be the 'first time in internet history' but I did feel I was being beaten around the head with that – and I was confused by the 'free' streaming concept…that I had to actually pay for.

in fact it says at the beggining 'The quality is great, and most of all its a FREE service!' – so am I buying software, the rights to use the 'free service' or both?

If a confused mind says 'no' then I'm out the door already.

There aren't many 'action' words. There's a weak call to action, but it hasn't been monopolised effectively – I'd like to KNOW why its groundbreaking, and why that's important to my success.

I honestly do not believe in your 121 day garuantee. Its almost too good to be true – and that makes me very concerned. I didn't see it referenced by a reason for its length – is there a reason you're offering a four month garunatee? is it a beta product? 🙂

As a freelance copywriter, I know these seem odd things to pick at, but they are what jumped out at me.

As a slight sidenote – your 'link to this blog call' – I won't and other bloggers won't cause you're not using permalinks on your wordpress blog. I don't affiliate, even for pay with anyone that doesn't use wordpress with permalinks switched on – its just a waste.

Robert Reuter " says:

PS – Hey santos, if i were you make a camtasia video showing us the basic steps… if your selling a video service..then show us how to in camtasia video…makes sense

Robert Reuter "Black Belt Bob"
http://www.SuperAffiliateTV.com

Robert Reuter " says:

Hi Marlon,

The headline is to long and cluttered.

All the h1 tags in sales letter need to be centered including the headline, all are not centered

For only $65.77 you can get instant access to Push Button Channel, not sure if this means I get my own channel or is this a product? It implies i get a channel?

You need testimonials.

The font is a little to small

Above step 2 is ? why?

Step 2 generate your live custom streaming video channel is not clear to me, so lets say i generate this channel, now what? Does that mean we create an acct at ex: ustream or video hosting site?

Step 3

after we create the template and upload, how do we add the video? At what point do we add the video embed code?

the green order button is ugly, like the streaming movie the exorcist… pea soup green..afraid to touch the button…if you click that ugly green button it will unleash…

no mention of what equipment I will need to set up my own videos, just a webcam and headset?

what about lighting, background, green screen, video editing software, tripod, actual camcorder instead of webcam

no ps

no bonuses

The gurantee needs to stand out and like a seal of gurantee

The headline states most of all its a FREE service…so you read the sales letter thinking its FREE….only to get to the $65.77 ugly green order button

You need conclusion explaining how this free service works and how this is a paid course… not sure how the free service works…clarify..empathize…offer solution..

PS – sorry santos for harsh critique

Robert Reuter "Black Belt Bob"
http://www.SuperAffiliateTV.com

Gary says:

I would add additional purchase buttons. include a button after explaining each benefit. People need to be asked multiple times before they buy. My suggestion is to have at least seven benefits followed by a short but "i need to have it" description followed by a purchase button (not link but button).

David Breth says:

OK, here are 7 we found from a quick scan through your sales letter.

1. 121 day guarantee should be one of the highlighted features (it is not seen until I get to the bottom and it blends in…now this can work, depending on who you are targeting…but if you are sending this to markers, of course, the 121 day guarantee should be a highlighted benefit.

2. missing the word "easy" in the headline.

3. tell me "why" this is free (free makes me skeptical, what's the catch?).

4. Headline is missing: …"in 3 easy steps"…

5. should emphasize the savings you receive by investing in push button channel.

"Let me ask you this, if you have a professional designer design a template for you and create it in 24 hours, how much would it cost you?

In my experience, it will probably cost you around $100 for one design, but as freelance designers"… ETC.

6. what is the value of the quick start call and why should I attend this call?

7. Santos's:

"Just log in to http://www.getyoursupport.com, fill out a trouble ticket, click send and we will give you 100% money… no questions asked, guaranteed."

Suggestion:

"Just log in to http://www.getyoursupport.com, fill in a trouble ticket, click send and we will refund 100% of your money… no strings-attached, no-hassles, no questions asked, it is this simple – guaranteed."

Susanne F says:

It would be easier for me to read the salesletter if the website (table) was narrower. It is hard for my eyes, like it would be nice with more space around. It could be me …

No PS.s ? I never read a long salesletter unless it is a catchy story.

Cheers

Ben Cope says:

I have a couple of suggestions that could help to make this sales letter better … first, I think the text is a little bit difficult to read because of how "tight" the line spacing is. It needs to be spaced out a little better, or perhaps a few more images could be used to add more white space and "breathing room" to the copy. Secondly, I think the sales letter needs at least one or two more testimonials to give it more credibility. It might also even be a good idea to create a demo video (1-2 minutes) that shows the Push Button Templates in action. Lastly, I think the guarantee needs to made more prominent – it needs to really stand out!